A Wife’s Sexual Surrender

Your willing and enthusiastic approach to sex says, “I love you” to your husband like nothing else can.

Enthusiasm

Today I am addressing wives on the topic of sexual surrender. I addressed husbands in my last post, and I’ll be addressing you as a couple in my next one.

If you arrived here with an interest in the “50 Shades of Grey” phenomenon, you may want to take a look at my post, Rethinking the 50 Shades of Grey Phenomenon.

For you as a wife, sexual surrender will likely take a different course than it does for your husband, but there are many corollaries. Your sexual surrender starts by understanding that your husband’s need and desire for sex is God-inspired and God-given, even though it tends to look very different from your own. He does not have the same prerequisite of emotional connection you do. In fact, his prerequisite tends to flow in the opposite direction of yours: he wants sex first, then emotional connection.

[With this post I’m addressing the 75-80% majority case in which you, as wife, have a lower sex drive than your husband. Though many of the steps of surrender below will apply, it may also be helpful higher-drive wives to also read the post for husbands].

Toward Sexual Surrender

Your sexual surrender implies that you should work to understand and cooperate with your husband’s sexual nature rather than struggling against it.

  • Don’t accuse him of being a sex-fiend just because he has a high desire for sex, or because he likes to touch and look at you in a sexually explicit manner. This is how he is made to be! Instead of rejecting him, appreciate the fact that he desires you!
  • Develop or enhance your sexual nature in order to satisfy your husband’s desire for sexual intimacy. It’s not acceptable to simply say “I’m not that sexual.” Find your own way of sexual expression, but find it just the same. He needs to know you desire him sexually.
  • Scripturally, the “rights” to your body belong to your husband. Likewise, you have the rights to his body. (1 Cor 7:3-4). For me these verses speak more to mutual sexual fulfillment than to simply to the act of sex. Viewing these verses through the lens of surrender implies that you should not only strive to make your body available to your husband for sex, but also do so in a way that goes beyond giving him “duty sex.” Learn to delight in delighting your husband in this way.
  • Sexual surrender implies respecting your husband’s sexuality, even though it is different than your own. Because the two of you are “one flesh,” enjoy the journey of learning how you two, though very different in sexual nature, can enjoy your sexual oneness. Honor and value your husband for who God made him to be, strong sexuality and all.
  • Submitting to your husband sexually has nothing to do with the dominant/submissive or master/slave lifestyle, which is a demeaning counterfeit of God’s biblical design for marriage. Sexual submission means giving yourself completely to your husband, responding to his love as Jesus desires us to respond to Him, wholeheartedly and without reservation, in an atmosphere of trust and security.
  • Part of your sexual surrender includes loving your husband “as if.” While I believe he should lead the way in sexual surrender, I also believe that sometimes you need to be able to give yourself sexually even when you don’t feel the emotional connection you desire. When you are willing to give yourself to your husband “as if” you two were already emotionally fulfilled, it can lead to that becoming a reality.

Turn it Around

How would you feel if your husband said he didn’t feel like hearing about your day, holding hands or going on a date (pick your own method of emotional connection) until you had sex? You’d likely be deeply offended and more likely think he had a screw loose. But is it really that different when you make your husband jump through certain hoops before you agree to sexual intimacy? If you think about the difference in men’s and women’s wiring, it’s not really that much of a stretch to turn it around like that.

Your willing and enthusiastic approach to sex says, “I love you” to your husband like nothing else can. And as a side benefit, it is generally true that for women the more you have sex, the more you will want it.

For you sex is a way of affirming your emotional intimacy. For your husband, sex is a pathway to it.

 

A Husband’s Sexual Surrender

Nurture your wife’s sexuality in a loving and patient way that cooperates with rather than punishes her for the way she is wired.

Nurture her Nature

Today is a Men Only Monday post.  I am addressing husbands on the topic of sexual surrender. I’ll be addressing wives in my next post.

[Note: this post is written for the 75-80% majority case in which you, as husband, have the higher sex drive. Many of the steps toward sexual surrender below can still provide helpful insight, but you may also want to read my post for wives.]

For you as a husband, sexual surrender starts with the understanding that for your wife, sexual oneness flows best out of emotional oneness. I’m not suggesting you hide or deny your sexual desires or your sexual nature – these are God-inspired and God-given. What I am suggesting is that you must acknowledge that you are joined to a woman who doesn’t work the same as you do when it comes to sex. Your sexual surrender means understanding and cooperating with rather than working against your wife’s sexual nature.

Toward Sexual Surrender

  • Don’t accuse her of being sexually cold just because she isn’t constantly after your body the way you are after hers. That’s generally an unrealistic expectation.
  • Develop or enhance your romantic nature in order to satisfy your wife’s desire for emotional intimacy. It’s not acceptable to simply say “I’m not the romantic type.” Find your own way of romantic expression and emotional connection, but find it just the same. She needs this from you.
  • Scripturally, the “rights” to your wife’s body belong to you Likewise, she has the rights to yours. (1 Cor 7:3-4). For me these verses speak more to mutual sexual fulfillment than to simply to the act of sex. Viewing these verses through the lens of surrender implies that you must focus more on fulfilling her desires than on demanding that yours be met.
  • Sexual surrender implies cherishing and nurturing your wife’s sexuality as your own. “In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church.” (Eph 5:28-29) Make sure you are feeding and caring for your wife’s sexual nature, not crushing and reshaping it for your own self-satisfaction.
  • Part of your sexual surrender includes loving your wife “as if.” What I mean is that even though your nature is to require sexual satisfaction in order to feel and act emotionally connected to your wife, I challenge you to give yourself emotionally and romantically to your wife “as if” you are already completely satisfied sexually. In other words, you go first in surrendering.

Surrender in the sexual arena can be among the more difficult aspects of your Journey to Surrender. Sex is not only an emotionally charged topic that comes with all kinds of historical baggage, but dealing with it requires vulnerability and trust. Regardless, I encourage you to face your sexual surrender head on, with confidence, love and grace, no matter where you are in your sexual relationship. There is always room for more sexual intimacy in your marriage.

Your Goal: Christ-like Love

As husband, you have the chance to demonstrate Christ-like loving leadership of your marriage through your sexual surrender. Rather than pushing your wife for the sexual satisfaction you desire, pull her into deeper sexual intimacy by meeting her need for emotional connection and romantic encounters. Nurture her sexuality in a loving and patient way that cooperates with rather than punishes her for her nature.

If you want to deepen sexual intimacy in your marriage, you must lead the way.

 

Sexual Surrender in Marriage

Sex in marriage is meant to be more about your surrender than about your satisfaction.

Sexual Surrender

I’ve wanted to write on today’s topic for several weeks now, but my crazy travel schedule is keeping me from writing much at all these days. Fortunately, or unfortunately, a rainy Saturday in Germany has me stuck in a hotel room with a little time to write.

I’ll preface this post by admitting that I am speaking to the majority case – to the typical situation where a husband has the higher sex drive and wants and needs sex in order to feel emotionally connected to his wife, and where correspondingly, a wife needs emotional connection in order to make way for sexual intimacy. I understand that this is not the case in 100% of marriages.

I don’t pretend to know what was in God’s mind when he wired men and women to work so differently when it comes to sex, but I have a theory. My theory goes something like this:

Marriage is meant to be more about your surrender than about your satisfaction

Bottom line: it’s not just about you and your needs! It’s about two being one and discovering the joy of mutual surrender.

The Journey into Enjoying Your Oneness

It’s clear from what the Bible says about marriage that a husband and wife become one when they wed. It works the same way as when we become one with Christ when we choose to become believers in Jesus. This is part of the “great mystery” that Paul talks about in Ephesians.

“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church.

Ephesians 5:31-32

Learning to enjoy the fruit of our oneness is a process, a journey, just as we discover more about what it means to be one with Christ through our spiritual walk. Marriage is a journey into deeper intimacy – a lifelong journey that includes the spiritual, emotional and sexual dimension of our lives.

It’s important, however, to understand that oneness is NOT sameness. Men and women are different by design. Being one is not about hiding your true self or about conforming yourself to your spouse. Oneness is not about giving up your identity. Instead, oneness is about each of you bringing the fullness of who you are to your marriage, and choosing to apply yourself (spirit, soul and body) for the benefit of your marriage and the delight of your spouse. This is what I mean by a Surrendered Marriage.

The Ultimate Intimacy

So what does surrender in marriage actually look like, and how do I take this journey to surrender? How do I surrender to my spouse without losing myself? How does surrender move our marriage toward the goal of two becoming one? If I focus on surrender to my spouse instead of my own satisfaction, won’t I end up disappointed and dissatisfied in my marriage?

All good questions.

I’ll be using the next three posts to explore what surrender means using the context of your sexual relationship. Sexual surrender is only one aspect of a Surrendered Marriage, but a very important one, because sexual intimacy is the ultimate expression of oneness and the pinnacle of intimacy in marriage.

Stay tuned as I address husbands and wives separately in the next two posts and then address you as a couple in the third post.

The rest of the posts in this series are here:

A Wife’s Sexual Surrender

A Husband’s Sexual Surrender

Concluding Thoughts on Sexual Surrender