Your willing and enthusiastic approach to sex says, “I love you” to your husband like nothing else can.
If you arrived here with an interest in the “50 Shades of Grey” phenomenon, you may want to take a look at my post, Rethinking the 50 Shades of Grey Phenomenon.
For you as a wife, sexual surrender will likely take a different course than it does for your husband, but there are many corollaries. Your sexual surrender starts by understanding that your husband’s need and desire for sex is God-inspired and God-given, even though it tends to look very different from your own. He does not have the same prerequisite of emotional connection you do. In fact, his prerequisite tends to flow in the opposite direction of yours: he wants sex first, then emotional connection.
[With this post I’m addressing the 75-80% majority case in which you, as wife, have a lower sex drive than your husband. Though many of the steps of surrender below will apply, it may also be helpful higher-drive wives to also read the post for husbands].
Toward Sexual Surrender
Your sexual surrender implies that you should work to understand and cooperate with your husband’s sexual nature rather than struggling against it.
- Don’t accuse him of being a sex-fiend just because he has a high desire for sex, or because he likes to touch and look at you in a sexually explicit manner. This is how he is made to be! Instead of rejecting him, appreciate the fact that he desires you!
- Develop or enhance your sexual nature in order to satisfy your husband’s desire for sexual intimacy. It’s not acceptable to simply say “I’m not that sexual.” Find your own way of sexual expression, but find it just the same. He needs to know you desire him sexually.
- Scripturally, the “rights” to your body belong to your husband. Likewise, you have the rights to his body. (1 Cor 7:3-4). For me these verses speak more to mutual sexual fulfillment than to simply to the act of sex. Viewing these verses through the lens of surrender implies that you should not only strive to make your body available to your husband for sex, but also do so in a way that goes beyond giving him “duty sex.” Learn to delight in delighting your husband in this way.
- Sexual surrender implies respecting your husband’s sexuality, even though it is different than your own. Because the two of you are “one flesh,” enjoy the journey of learning how you two, though very different in sexual nature, can enjoy your sexual oneness. Honor and value your husband for who God made him to be, strong sexuality and all.
- Submitting to your husband sexually has nothing to do with the dominant/submissive or master/slave lifestyle, which is a demeaning counterfeit of God’s biblical design for marriage. Sexual submission means giving yourself completely to your husband, responding to his love as Jesus desires us to respond to Him, wholeheartedly and without reservation, in an atmosphere of trust and security.
- Part of your sexual surrender includes loving your husband “as if.” While I believe he should lead the way in sexual surrender, I also believe that sometimes you need to be able to give yourself sexually even when you don’t feel the emotional connection you desire. When you are willing to give yourself to your husband “as if” you two were already emotionally fulfilled, it can lead to that becoming a reality.
Turn it Around
How would you feel if your husband said he didn’t feel like hearing about your day, holding hands or going on a date (pick your own method of emotional connection) until you had sex? You’d likely be deeply offended and more likely think he had a screw loose. But is it really that different when you make your husband jump through certain hoops before you agree to sexual intimacy? If you think about the difference in men’s and women’s wiring, it’s not really that much of a stretch to turn it around like that.
Your willing and enthusiastic approach to sex says, “I love you” to your husband like nothing else can. And as a side benefit, it is generally true that for women the more you have sex, the more you will want it.
For you sex is a way of affirming your emotional intimacy. For your husband, sex is a pathway to it.